


The Pull of Longing, the Push of Fear

by princessdragonsun



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Gets a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Anxious Thoughts, Background Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Good Friend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of Abandonment, Food mention, Gen, Hints of Logan Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I am basing a lot of Virgil's struggles off of my own, Insecurity, Logic | Logan Sanders Is A Good Friend, Loneliness, Miscommunication, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Episode: ACCEPTING ANXIETY Part 2/2: Can Anxiety Be Good?, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, Self-Isolation, Vaguely Implied Mild Touch-Starvation, but no actual self-harm, imagined self-harm, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28401909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessdragonsun/pseuds/princessdragonsun
Summary: Virgil was alone for so long and being accepted by his new friends has him realizing some things.Or, Virgil doubts and fears being abandoned and locks himself away. The Sides do not take this well.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders
Comments: 29
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse me while I project onto fictional characters. Again.  
> Please heed the tags. Stay safe.

Looking back, it was so _painfully obvious_. Virgil spent so much of his time alone. It was to be expected that he’d get lonely from time to time. But this... He’d first noticed it when he acknowledged his fear of being pushed aside again by the Core Sides. When he did, he tried to do as Logan once instructed. Find the root of the fear. But when he did...

The fear stemmed from his abandonment issues. He’d been so lonely in the past that any attention placed on him for more than a few days was enough to form a deep attachment. Which made it hurt even more when he realized the feelings weren’t mutual. And it always happened months into it. He was a passing neutral conversation partner. That was all. He craved attention so much that he saw things that weren’t there. After the second time it happened, he refused to let it happen again. Any time the other Sides paid any attention to him, positive or otherwise, he snapped back. He pushed and pushed and _pushed_. He didn't think he'd be able to handle another rejection.

It was so clear. Wasn't that saying 'Hindsight is 20/20'? Virgil had been desperate before. And it made him question his friendships now. He analyzed his memory of the Core Sides trying to convince him to return with them. Was it just another case of desperation? Was his friendship with them _real_? Was the feeling _mutual_? At this point, he wasn't sure. But comparing each scenario before and after his acceptance... he was beginning to believe that it wasn't.

The Core Sides came after him because of how he affected Thomas. They needed him so that Thomas didn't get killed by losing his fight or flight reflex. Needing him doesn't translate to wanting him. They were nice because they didn't want him to leave again. They were _nice_ because they had to be. And in one of his lowest moments, _of course,_ he'd gone and done exactly what he swore he'd never do. Virgil got _attached_. _Didn't he ever learn_? They didn't want him!

He understood now. _It hurt_. _It hurt so badly_ but it was the truth. Not only that but he was also forcing them to act like they cared just because he _was a screw-up that took the coward's way out_. _He was toxic and he was hurting them and he tried to fix that but he only made it worse._

Virgil clawed at his chest as though it would remove the pressure of his anxiety. He imagined a knife or some other sharp object being stabbed into his shoulder to give him something _grounding_. It didn't work. His breathing was strained and tears burned his eyes. He knew he had to get himself under control so that he didn't hurt Thomas but he just _couldn't_.

Now that he knew, what should he do? Should he do _anything_? If he pulled away from them but still influenced Thomas, they might get upset. But if he didn't they'd still be upset with him because they'd still be forcing themselves to include him. Even if he did tell them that he knew and continued to stay would they still be upset? Would they be upset no matter what he did? Just because he _existed_?

Nothing was making sense in his head anymore. Everything was too jumbled together. Just this... giant ball of scribbles made of half-finished thoughts and fears. Static. He didn't even know what he was more focused on anymore. All he knew was that he was afraid of his friends being mad at him. Because they might punish him if they were mad. He didn't know what that looked like for them but the fear was consistently present. It could be _anything_. How long before they realized he wasn't worth the effort? How long before they _abandoned him_? Or just locked him away so that he could still influence their host but be out of the way? _How long_?

Through the thick fog of pure _Fear_ , he resolved to stay out of their way as much as possible. He could handle being lonely. He _could_. _He had to_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we have something from Patton's point of view. Hope you enjoy it!

Patton was thrilled! Love for his famILY swelled in his chest, his smile wide and genuine as he flitted around the kitchen, preparing food. He was so relieved that Logan and Roman were finally including Virgil in their day-to-day lives. And Virgil was relaxing more around them. He was smiling more openly, agreeing to more group activities. He was still a little distant but it was a process for everyone involved. But things were getting better.

So it came as a surprise when he went to collect Virgil for breakfast that morning, he didn't answer. Sure, he didn't always eat with them but he still answered his door and accepted whatever food Patton brought. He spent a few minutes trying to get Virgil's attention because perhaps he was listening to music or was sleeping and didn't hear him. Still, he didn't answer. When Patton put his ear to the door to listen for any indication that he was in there, he didn't hear so much as shifting blankets or the shuffling of carpet.

...Did Virgil already leave his room for the day? Maybe the others knew where he was. Patton was sure he would have noticed Virgil in the commons unless he really was that distracted.

The Moral Side set aside his concern for the time being. If he didn't find Virgil by noon, then he'd allow himself to worry. With that in mind, he went to find Roman and Logan. Patton knocked on Roman's door first. Sure enough, the Creative Side opened the door with a flourish.

"Good morning, Padre!"

Patton offered his friend a warm smile, "Morning, kiddo! Have you seen Virgil by any chance?"

"Dark and Stormy? Not since last night, I'm afraid. Have you checked his room?"

"First place I checked."

Roman scratched the back of his head, "Huh. Well, if he doesn't turn up, I'll help you look for him."

Patton nodded and they made the short walk to Logan's room. Logan's door opened just as he raised his fist to knock.

"Oh, Logan!"

The Logical Side blinked as he took in the two standing in his doorway, "Patton. Roman. I was just about to head to the commons."

A pause.

"I suppose Virgil isn't joining us this morning?"

Roman cleared his throat, "About that, Specs. Have you seen him?"

Logan adjusted his glasses, a tic he seemed to have developed recently, "I only left my room one other time today and I did not see him during my excursion."

Patton deflated, disappointment and worry flashing across his face before he replaced it with a hopeful smile, "Well, maybe he's in the commons."

Virgil was not, in fact, in the commons. That's when Patton really started to worry. 

"Are you sure he's not in his room?" Logan asked.

"Not that I could tell. He didn't answer the door and I didn't hear anything when I listened in."

"Well, maybe he's just in another part of the Mindscape," Roman said, not at all sounding optimistic about his suggestion.

"He very well could be. Or he could be asleep. It's possible he couldn't hear you especially if he fell asleep with headphones on. There are several possibilities. If he doesn't show up in a few hours, we'll try summoning him," Logan said.

That helped to soothe Patton's nerves. Logan was right. Virgil was probably still in his room and just couldn't hear Patton calling him. Right. Yeah. Everything was going to be fine. He'd take something to Virgil later.

Once again, Patton found himself outside Virgil's door. While they all agreed that they'd summon Virgil later if he didn't show, Patton wanted to give it one more try. Hopefully, he'd been worrying for nothing. So, with a plate of food in hand, he knocked on Virgil's door.

"Virgil, kiddo, are you awake yet?"

Silence. Patton's shoulders tensed and he prepared to knock again. Before he did, there was a slight shuffle from behind the door. His heart jumped, relief settling over him in a rush. Virgil was in his room. The door creaked open a bit and Virgil's exhausted face peeked through. The concern came back with a vengeance.

"Hey, kiddo. Are you feeling okay? You look tired."

Virgil averted his eyes, "I'm okay... I didn't sleep well."

"Are you hungry? I brought you breakfast."

"...Thanks."

Virgil pulled the door open further and took the offered plate. In the few seconds that took, Patton looked Virgil over. His clothes were rumpled, having obviously slept in them, his shoulders were hunched more than usual and his eyes looked a bit puffy. Though that last point could be attributed to the lack of sleep.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Patton asked softly.

Virgil hesitated, a flash of... _something_ crossing his face before his expression went neutral, "No. I'm fine. I just... need to be alone for a bit."

The door closed before Patton could get another word in. That was... disappointing. He'd oblige Virgil's request for space but it didn't stop him from worrying about his dark, strange son. He told himself that Virgil just needed a bit of rest and he'd be fine. Still, he made a note to check on him later. Something was bothering him about how Virgil acted.


	3. Chapter 3

Virgil startled awake with a sharp intake of breath. Thanks to the sudden jolt of anxiety, he was aware enough to know that someone was knocking on his door. His eyes darted to the digital clock sitting on his nightstand. 10:47. Meaning the knock on his door was probably Patton.

Thanks to his attack the previous night, he'd barely gotten any sleep. At the reminder, Virgil's chest constricted as he realized he'd have to face this sooner than expected. He'd thought he'd have at least until noon to deal with this. And out of the three Core Sides, Patton was the last person he wanted to see. The Moral Side was kind. Far too kind to push Virgil away himself... And also the Side he was most reluctant to turn down.

Virgil managed to pull himself out of bed by the time Patton called out to him. He took some extra time to stretch before approaching the door. There was a bit of hesitation but he steeled himself as he opened the door a crack. Patton's relieved face was the first thing he saw. The second was the plate.

"Hey, kiddo. Are you feeling okay? You look tired."

Virgil tensed and averted his gaze. Excuse-excuse- _excuse_!

"I'm okay... I didn't sleep well."

Okay. This was going better than he expected. And hadn't lied... Mostly. 

"Are you hungry? I brought you breakfast."

Virgil stared at the plate, guilt wrapping its heavy claws around his chest, "...Thanks."

With great reluctance, he pulled the door open just enough to grab the plate from Patton. Once his arm was through the door again, he returned the door to its previous position. He resolutely ignored the way the other Side glanced him over as he did.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

...What? No. Patton wasn't supposed to ask that. Virgil was not going to force him into helping him. Especially when he didn't need it. It was bad enough that the Moral Side was still cooking for him. He'd figure out how to get that to stop somehow. He'd miss his cooking... But he needed to send Patton away first so he could rest more. Virgil _desperately_ needed it.

"No. I'm fine," he said firmly, "I just... need to be alone for a bit."

Virgil closed the door before Patton could say anything. Hopefully, that wasn't too harsh. Was it too harsh? Did he hurt Patton's feelings? As much as it hurt that they didn't _like_ him, he didn't want to hurt them in return. He still _loved_ them. Even if they didn't return the sentiment. He'd dealt with it for years. This was no different.

Seeing as he didn't want the food to go to waste, he forced down as much as he could handle without throwing it up. Virgil wasn't at all hungry, having lost his appetite the previous night. Anxiety was annoying like that. He set the remains next to his door. He'd take it down later when he wandered out for something to drink and stocked up on protein drinks and energy bars. Virgil collapsed on his bed and buried himself under the covers, drowsiness settling over him like a comforting blanket.

Logan was unsure how to help Virgil when he refused to be helped. _Hours_ after Patton managed to get the Anxious Side's attention, he'd gone back to see if he was hungry or wanted to join them for a movie. Apparently, Virgil had replied that he wasn't feeling well and stubbornly refused to say anything more, no matter how long Patton stayed. It definitely _didn't_ leave Logan feeling worried and a bit frustrated.

Was he ill? Possibly. He admitted to not being hungry and Patton found that the food he'd brought Virgil that morning to be unfinished. Meaning he likely hadn't eaten anything else. Though, a loss of appetite was also an effect anxiety could have. So, perhaps Virgil was experiencing a heightened level of anxiety. However, Logan wasn't sure what could have caused it. There wasn't anything big in need of addressing, nor had there been any arguments. Thomas hadn't even done anything particularly distressing enough to cause Virgil's sudden reclusive behavior.

Although... Virgil had hidden in his room before, stating that he was especially sensitive to stimuli during those days. But he hadn't been as nearly closed off about it. They tried to make Virgil feel listened to and encouraged him to tell them if something was wrong. And he had. But that day had been an anomaly.

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose and set down his pen beside his notebook. Perhaps he should stop over-analyzing Virgil's behavior. He could just be having a 'bad day'. They all experienced those. Where they functioned less than optimally and, at least for the other Sides who handled the emotions, experienced an influx of negativity. ( _Logan absolutely did not experience that-He was emotionless_.) He firmly decided that if Virgil wasn't feeling better by the morrow, he'd make an effort to find out what was bothering his friend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry! It took me a bit longer to get this out. Medical-related stuff and the new year had me too tired to post anything until now. Happy new year!

The following morning was no better than the day before. Virgil was still holed up in his room despite the fact that it was almost noon. Patton wouldn't stop stress baking, pacing when he ran out of things to do while waiting on the oven. Virgil had turned him away when he went to bring him breakfast and refused to even open the door. Roman was rather upset when he heard that but the concern for Virgil shone through his anger. This only solidified Logan's resolve.

Once Logan managed to convince Patton to calm down a bit and take some time for himself, he left to see Virgil. On his way there, he had to stop Roman from joining him. The prince was far too worked up to be speaking to Virgil and he knew that having more than one person would likely only make things worse.

When he reached Virgil's door, he paused to listen in. The Anxious Side's walls weren't at all soundproof. One could hear almost anything through them. Likely to help set Virgil's mind at ease so that he wasn't startled. At first, Logan wasn't able to pick up on any noise but he managed to latch onto the sound of deep breathing after a few seconds of intense focus. Virgil's breathing was stable, slow enough to know that he was calm but frequent enough he wasn't sleeping.

Logan took a deep breath and knocked. As he expected, Virgil didn't answer.

"Virgil, you don't need to open the door but you should know that I'm not leaving until we talk this out."

Roman prided himself on being able to protect his family from whatever threat that dared threaten the... He couldn't even finish that thought coherently, too caught up in his worry for Virgil. Had Logan not thwarted his attempt to join him, he might not have been feeling so utterly useless. So, instead, he occupied himself with trying to find out if the problem was anything external. By visiting Thomas.

"Roman, I wasn't expecting to see you until later. What's up?"

The Creative Side hesitated and gave Thomas a once over, "I was just checking in. How have you been feeling lately?"

"Feeling? Well... No different than normal, as far as I can tell. Is something wrong?" Thomas asked, sitting up straighter.

"No. Yes! Maybe? I don't know."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Go away, Logan. I don't want to talk to you."

Even without Deceit present, Logan knew that was a lie. He could hear how Virgil's voice grew strained and less sure as he spoke. With a shake of his head, he stepped as close to the door as he could as though being nearer would prove his point. Logan was staying.

"Virgil, I don't know what has been causing you distress but I am here to listen."

" _No_. _You're not_. You can leave. Tell Patton you tried."

Logan furrowed his brow as he settled down in front of the door, "I can assure you that Patton didn't ask me to do this. I came of my own accord."

"Then _why_?"

At this, Logan hesitated. He was Logic. Logic did not _feel_. Logic did not have _emotion_.

Apparently, he was silent for too long as Virgil said, "Seriously, you don't need to feel obligated to-"

"It's because I _care about you_ , Virgil."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit shorter but I hope it's still good. I promise we'll be getting more Roman and Thomas soon. I've neglected them a bit.  
> Thank you so much for your support. I'm not used to my writing getting this much attention. Especially since I started this on a whim and I'm mostly making it up as I go along. Mostly. I have a plan for this I just don't know how I'll be getting there. This is mostly a writing exercise.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The unofficial title of this chapter is 'Virgil Gets His Much-Needed Hug'. BECAUSE FINALLY! Btw, let me know if there are any mistakes. I didn't really feel like reading through it to check.

Virgil couldn't believe what he was hearing. Out of all of them, he expected Logan to be the one to agree with him, to accept what Virgil offered first... _Logan wouldn't lie to him_. But... Logan... cared? About him? But-he couldn't. _Logan wouldn't lie to him_.

Suddenly, all Virgil craved at that moment was to be held. To be told that he was loved, that he was important to them. Not just for what he could do but for who he was. The rush of _emotion_ and _longing_ was _overwhelming_. The rational part of his mind was trying to convince him that he would only get hurt if he let Logan in. But rationality was long lost in the wave of desperation.

Logan _cared_. _Logan_. The most logical one of them all. _Logan_. Who denied having feelings just admitted that he _cared_ for _Virgil_. **_Logan wouldn't lie to him_**.

Blinded by burning tears, Virgil fumbled with his doorknob. He only had the strength to unlock and turn it loose before he stumbled back to his bed, leaning against it. His door creaked open as Logan slipped inside. It took so much self-control to not reach out to him like a child for their mother.

Turns out, he didn't need to. Logan knelt in front of him, telegraphing his movements so he wasn't startled when the other took his hands. That simple skin to skin contact made something inside him still... and relax. Virgil slumped forward onto Logan's shoulder, only his forehead touching so that he didn't get tears and snot onto the Logical Side's shirt. One of Logan's hands slipped from his grasp and moved to circle his back.

Logan was _right there_. _He cared_. He was holding him. **_He cared_**. Gently whispering that he was safe, that he was okay, and he wasn't leaving.

Thomas hummed thoughtfully, "Do you think we spooked him?"

"'Spooked him'?" Roman asked incredulously, "What do you mean 'spooked him'?"

"Well, think about it. Until recently, we weren't being very nice to him. Don't you think he might have been a bit overwhelmed by it all?"

Roman combed his fingers through his hair, a despondent look crossing his face, "You... have a point. What should we do then?"

Thomas laced his fingers together and rest them on his lap, "For starters, I think we need to let Virgil know it's okay to be overwhelmed at first and that we'll go at his pace."

Nodding, Roman considered how they would get Virgil to agree to hear them out. Unless Logan managed to get him to open up, he didn't see Virgil listening to them willingly based on Patton's treatment that morning. He really hoped Logan succeeded.

Had Virgil been in a better state, Logan would have insisted that they move to the hallway. He knew that Virgil's room would begin to affect him sooner or later and that would be detrimental in assisting his friend. But until then, he would comfort him to the best of his ability. At that point, Logan suspected that Virgil doubted the sincerity of their friendship which led to his self-imposed isolation. And if that was indeed the case, then they needed to prove to him that they were genuine in their affection.

Virgil was practically in his lap, clinging onto him as though he would disappear the second he let go. For all that Logan insisted he didn't have feelings... he couldn't deny the aching in his chest as Virgil cried silently. The implications of that alone were enough for him to resolve to be a better friend. Once he calmed down, he was going to take him to have a 'family meeting', as Patton would say, with everyone else.

When Virgil relaxed against him, turning his head so that the side of his face was pressed against his shoulder, Logan began gently running his fingers through the Anxious Side's hair. He hated to disrupt the calm that seemed to settle but they needed to talk. Especially since he could feel the room beginning to affect his mind.

"Virgil," he murmured, "Are you willing to tell me what's wrong?"

Virgil's grip on him tightened as he buried his face into the crook of his neck. So, that was a 'no'. Logan had expected it, of course, but it made his job harder.

"I need to know what's bothering you in order to help."

A discontented grumble was muffled by Logan's shirt.

"Scared," Virgil mumbled.

"Of?"

Virgil curled into him further, ineffectually trying to hide from the conversation, "...that you don't like me..."

It was as he suspected then.

Logan took a deep breath, "Virgil, I... am not the best at expressing how I... _feel_. But I can assure you that I do care about you just as much as I care about Patton and Roman. That is to say, I..."

' _Just say it. He needs this. Say it._ '

"I... love you. You're family now, Virgil."

Logan desperately wished that Patton were there. The Moral Side was so much better at _emotions_ than him. He wasn't sure how well he said it but he hoped it was enough.

Virgil seemed to still. Then he snorted.

"I... love you, too..."

His response was barely discernible but Logan understood. He breathed a sigh of relief, closing his eyes for a few seconds, allowing himself a moment to just _be_.

"If you're not ready to speak to the other two then I understand but I believe we should move outside of your room."

Virgil nodded and pulled himself off of Logan, not meeting his eyes, "Sorry. Forgot that you'd be affected by my room."

"No need to apologize. Would like to move to the commons?"

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post a lot of Sanders Sides on my Tumblr. Other things I post include Ninjago, Fire Emblem, and The Legend of Zelda. I mostly post Sanders Sides. Everything else is pretty sporadic and changes with my phases. But it's there. I'm pretty new and still working out how everything works.  
> http://little-red-rhapsody.tumblr.com/


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I haven't updated for a bit mostly because school started back up BUT I have another, much more exciting reason! I drew a very short, very messy comic-thingy for this! It's supposed to take place between chapters 3 and 4.  
> Here's the link to it: https://renellamatrix.tumblr.com/post/639427111429521408/okay-so-this-is-my-first-time-actually-using-a  
> That and I've been preparing not only for Patton's birthday but also Ninjago's tenth anniversary. Sooo-  
> P.S. I got carried away so the chapter ended up waaaaaaay longer.
> 
> Me: Oh, I'm on the last chapter! This should be easy to finish!  
> My heart: Nooooooooo! Not endings! I hate endings! I don't want to be done! T^T *coughs awkwardly through confrontations, trying to make it as realistic as possible and ends up making it longer than intended*  
> And then I procrastinated for days.
> 
> Okay-So like... Most of this chapter is Virgil just spiraling out of control... His thoughts are a mess and I tried my best to convey this. *laughs nervously* This thing ended going over 2,000 words. You can tell the difference in length immediately. I am both sorry and not at all. This seems to be a recurring thing...

When Roman returned, he was pleasantly surprised to find Logan and Virgil cuddling on the couch. Looking at Virgil, he was reminded of a koala with the way he clung to Logan. Though both of them had dozed off, Logan woke up when Roman moved closer.

"You got him out of his room," Roman whispered, "Did you find out what's wrong?"

Logan rubbed his eyes, "Yes. We'll _all_ talk later after he wakes up."

Roman pouted, "But-"

"Not now, Roman. He's exhausted so let him sleep."

"Fine..."

The first thing Virgil was aware of was how comfortable and warm he felt, memories from earlier slowly trickling into the forefront of his mind. An intense wave of embarrassment hit him, prompting him to curl further into the body he was using as a pillow. He grumbled incoherently to himself.

"Virgil?"

"Shut up and forget everything."

Logan snorted softly, "I can't do that. There's no need to be embarrassed."

Virgil groaned, "Shut uuuup."

Still, he couldn't deny the warm feeling in his chest as he remembered how Logan admitted that he _loved him_. He almost couldn't believe it. A part of him, the part that whispered all his doubts and fears, still didn't want to. But a stronger side firmly said that **_Logan wouldn't lie to him_**. That was just a _fact_.

"What time is it?"

Logan hummed, "Almost six. Are you willing to have a conversation with the others?"

Fear chilled Virgil, his muscles tensing as he realized he would have to confront... everything. He wasn't ready for that! Probably wouldn't ever be. He could just see Patton being disappointed and Roman being _furious_ with him and then Thomas would kick him out-

_'No, no! Shut up, brain! Just shut up!'_

"Willing? No. Ready? Also no. Am I going to do it anyway? Yes."

"We can wait if you're not ready."

"Nope. Don't give me time to panic over it."

 _More_ he didn't say.

Logan sighed but nodded and shifted in preparation to stand up. Virgil held on for a few more seconds before letting him go, silently despairing over the loss of contact. Logan gently squeezed his hand as he stood.

"I'll be right back."

Once Logan sank out, the following silence enveloping the room became stifling as Virgil was left to his own thoughts. If he could, he would have run right back to his room and locked himself up again. Of course... that only would have started the cycle over again which was the last thing he wanted. He wasn't so caught up in his fear that he didn't recognize that. That and the fact that he'd probably upset Logan was the only reason he wasn't.

Virgil was going through his breathing exercises to soothe his anxiety when Logan rose up again. Knowing that his time was up ruined his progress, however.

"They're ready and waiting in Thomas's living room," Logan said.

Virgil swallowed thickly. He nodded, getting to his feet and threw his hood up for some semblance of security. He took a deep breath and sank down. When he appeared in the living room, everyone but Logan was in their usual spots. For a moment, he could fool himself into thinking this would be a normal discussion but the raging anxiety didn't let that last. His breath hitched when their attention turned to him and he swiftly set his eyes on the ground. Logan's grounding presence beside him was the only reason he hadn't spiraled into an anxiety attack.

"Virgil, I think you should start," Logan murmured gently.

That... was the last thing he wanted to do. In light of the stressful situation, his brain so helpfully joked that he was being betrayed by someone he thought he could trust. Oh, yeah. Way to try to make light. Because it utterly failed and he was kind of bitter about that. He couldn't get distracted.

_Focus-focus-focus._

Virgil shakily shoved his hands into his pockets, his heart thundering in his chest, "I...", he was forced to stop to take a breath, "I'm sorry... for shutting you out..."

The room was silent for a couple of seconds before Logan gave him a very light nudge.

"Tell them what you told me."

Virgil silently glared at the floor as though it were the one to speak. Why did he have to do this? Couldn't everyone just have moved on after he left his room? It was physically painful for him for seemingly no reason. 

' _Logan. How dare you force me into this._ '

His throat closed, refusing to let words escape. It felt impossible to even attempt to comply. He was tempted to get Logan to do it for him, though that wasn't particularly fair of him. Not after the Logical Side had stayed and supported him up to that point. Virgil loved them all, _he did,_ but opening up to them about his doubts and fears seemed to be farther than he was willing to go. _He was the physical embodiment of anxiety_. What did they expect? Even if they assured him that he was loved and cared for, he'd still doubt their words. Heck, he still couldn't believe _Logan_ fully despite wanting to so badly and so far _choosing_ to. _That wasn't how anxiety worked_.

"It's okay, Virgil. Take all the time you need."

Patton's encouragement wasn't helping whatsoever. It only served to make things _worse_ , all things considered. Telling him to take as long as he needed was only inviting him to never say anything, taking away the pressure of actually telling them within an acceptable timeframe. Not to mention it was _annoying_! _Of course_ , he was going to take as much time as he needed! He didn't exactly have a choice!

Virgil internally scolded himself for letting his anxiety get the better of his temper. It was just-So, so _hard_. He forced the words he'd been reciting to himself onto the tip of his tongue but _even then_ , the tension in his body had him hesitating. It had already been a minute since anyone had last spoken, waiting patiently as he got his act together. This was ridiculous!

' _Just spit it out already, coward_!'

He closed his eyes, trying to pretend they weren't actually there, watching and judging him, "I... I realized something... a couple of days ago and... I was- _am_... _scared_ that..."

Logan took Virgil's hand in a silent show of support, giving it a soft squeeze.

"...you don't really like me... that you're only... being nice because you need me..." he mumbled out slowly, his face growing warm at the utter vulnerability he was _being forced into._

' _Shut up, you agreed to this_.'

Virgil braced himself for whatever backlash he received for doubting them. _Or for calling them out_ , a voice snarled in the back of his mind. A pained sound came from Patton's direction which prompted him to open his eyes. He didn't look at the Moral Side directly, but his eyes flitted over there briefly. There was suddenly a rush of movement coming _toward_ him. Virgil flinched, blinded by his panic and stumbled back into Logan- _ **safe**_ - ** _get away from the danger_** - ** _he couldn't see_**. And... nothing... happened?

It was another few seconds as his body comprehended the fact that _nothing was happening_. Awareness trickled back in and he became especially aware of how Logan was gently holding his shoulders. Patton was standing a few feet away, looking like he was about to cry. Guilt hit him like a punch to the gut. He _flinched like that,_ away from _Patton_. Patton wasn't going to _hurt_ him. _He knew that_! Virgil opened his mouth to apologize but Patton beat him to the punch.

"I'm sorry, Virgil. I didn't mean to startle you. I shouldn't have moved so fast. Are you okay?"

Virgil was so startled that he just replied, "I'm... fine."

Patton seemed to hesitate, "Can I give you a hug?"

Only Virgil heard Logan utter under his breath about correcting Patton's grammar, but refrained from doing anything more. And... it actually helped to settle some of the Anxious Side's nerves. Virgil moved away from Logan and gave a barely perceptible nod. Patton carefully telegraphed his movements as he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in a warm hug. Virgil was far too tense to enjoy it, though, his mind still too caught up in hypotheticals. Not to mention the fact that this was all in front of an audience of Thomas, Roman, and Logan.

Virgil's eyes drifted over to the former two who had been rather quiet during the whole thing. They both looked like they were barely restraining themselves from joining in on the hug. Which, first of all, he was relieved. He didn't think he could take much more in the sensory department. And second, he was _still_ worried about what they were going to say. Logan had been the only one so far to offer Virgil that reassurance he craved. The others still hadn't said anything. It was entirely possible that they were withholding it on purpose. _No, no_! He was not going down that train of thought again.

"Virgil, I'm so sorry," Patton said, "I know that doesn't make up for the past but I want you to know that we love you here and now."

"We... _I_ know that I was... a huge jerk to you before. And I'm _so_ sorry. I promise you that I will do everything in my power to never let you feel like that again. We love you so much, Virgil," Roman said passionately, slowly moving closer.

Thomas nodded in agreement, "Yeah, Virge. I'm sorry we made you feel otherwise. We love you, buddy. Can I get a hug, too?"

Patton lit up, "Group hug?"

Virgil's eyes burned as the tears that had been building up began to overflow. Hearing positive things being said to him, hearing them say that they _loved_ him, poked at a wound in his heart that had been left to bleed and grow infected. The pangs in his chest _hurt_. They _hurt so bad_. And they were hugging him. All of them. They loved him. _They loved him_. Oh gosh... he was getting really overwhelmed by all of that. _Too much_. Too much sensory input and too much emotional turmoil. It was _too much_.

_Toomuchtoomuchtoomuch-_

When he realized his breaths were coming out in stuttered gasps, there was suddenly less physical contact. The calmer part of him sighed in relief while the worked up part still silently screamed for everything to just _stop_. _You're going to hurt Thomas!_ He abruptly isolated his panic as much as he could.

"Hey, Virgil, just breathe, okay? You're fine. You're safe."

"Try to match your breathing with mine."

Virgil latched onto Thomas and Logan's voices and tried to steady his breathing. It became increasingly frustrating when his lungs just _wouldn't cooperate_! Seeing as that really wasn't working, he attempted to focus on things around him, distract himself. Someone was holding his hand. Logan was exaggerating his breathing for Virgil to mimic. And he was completely blind, he realized belatedly. His eyes were squeezed shut and his face was buried in someone's shoulder. Focusing on those sensations distracted him enough that his breathing had begun to regulate and he became more aware. Even after his breathing had mostly stabilized, he remained where he was for a minute longer as he worked up the courage to move.

"You back with us, Stormy?" Roman asked.

In response, Virgil squeezed the hand that was holding his. Hopefully, that would be enough to get his message across.

"Yeah, he's here," Patton said.

Thomas sighed, "Sorry, we overwhelmed you..."

Virgil swallowed and manage to mumble out, "Quit apologizing... I forgive you..."

And he did. He wasn't alright and that would not change for what he suspected would be a very, _very_ long time. His anxiety would always whisper that he wasn't what they wanted, that they didn't really love him. He could block it out all he wanted but it would always remain a fear that haunted him.

Virgil pried his eyes open, his head pounding from both the tension and the light hitting his sensitive eyes. Logan was probably going to have to change his shirt. Unlike the last time, Virgil wasn't in a state of mind to spare his shirt from the onslaught of tears, snot, and most likely smeared makeup.

"...sorry..." he murmured, attempting to dry his face with his sleeve.

His attempts were halted by Thomas who handed him a few tissues, "Hey, if I can't apologize, neither can you. Especially not for this."

Virgil was too drained to come up with a snarky response so he just settled for sticking the tip of his tongue out at him. It probably wasn't noticed but it was the thought that counted.

Roman offered him a glass of water, "Drink this."

Wrinkling his nose a bit, Virgil complied grudgingly. While it was sweet of them to be taking care of him(and a relief), it was also _embarrassing_. The _whole thing_ was embarrassing! He didn't like being vulnerable!

Patton gently tugged on his arm, "Come on, let's get you to the couch, yeah?"

"Ooh! We can watch movies! Virgil's pick, of course," Roman hummed in excitement.

"Unless you would rather some time to yourself to 'chill out'," Logan countered considerately.

Virgil snorted, "No... It's fine. I'll stay."

"Great!" Thomas cheered, "Operation: Make Virgil Feel the Love is a go!"

Groaning, Virgil covered his embarrassed face as he sat down. They were idiots. All of them. But he was too tired to argue the name. He would deal with the fallout later. _Much_ later. But he was going to watch movies first and probably take another nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the conclusion! Thank you so much for your support on this little project! I know I don't often take requests but if you have any, maybe for a partial continuation of this fic/short comic ideas or anything Sanders Sides, post them down in the comments. But, if you do, keep in mind that I do have other things I'm doing and it might be a while before I do anything.  
> I know I've said this already but I have a Tumblr account and you can reach out to me about almost anything. Questions, requests, suggestions, whatever. I also have a YouTube channel if that interests anyone. I post sporadically.  
> https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpvJZooGKSFaVDAuSFzXSjg  
> Now! It's like two AM and I need sleep.


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